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ladybrighid3333_archiveOriginally, I was going to write a new "ethics post" but...I figured this is more constructive for me. Especially since I'm planning on going to the Counseling Center on Friday--the first day I have several hours to spare. I'm not sharing the soulbonds part with them on Friday though... And I didn't post the soulbond bit to the AliveCampaign website either.
The Alive Campaign is a grassroots effort to raise awareness about youth suicide and depression. They are a group of college students at Baylor University, Texas who plan on biking from Wacom, Texas to Anchorage, Alaska to prove to their friend that life is worth living and anything is possible as long as you don't put boundaries on yourself. This movement started as a bit of a joke and a FaceBook group dare and has since grown in numbers and support.
Triggering Post- SI and Suicide--also the story of how my Bakura muse developed into a soulbond
I hope I've gotten my facts straight on this--it's been a very long time and I don't want to go back and look through entries on this time in my life.
I've personally never committed suicide. However, I am an SI-er...a self-injurer. I didn't realize this until high-school though. I used to bruise and cut off my circulation with hair elastics starting in 6th grade. I was dealing with a lot of emotional pain, knowing that my best friend was transferring to a new school, and that I couldn't go with her. My parents couldn't afford the transfer fees and I got a really good scholarship at the school I was at since my family is fairly large and my mom worked there. Said best friend was also my first girlcrush, I learned a few years later. I stopped bruising for the most part my freshman year of high school. It might happen occasionally by accident, but I stopped doing it consistently. Instead, I started finding subconscious bruises and scars from leaning on the wire bindings of my notebooks and really odd length papercuts in odd areas from plastic expand-a-binders and notebooks.
However, suicide has affected me. I had an official fallout with one of my elementary school friends at the beginning of high-school. She was the only girl to come to this school with me. We'd been kinda drifting away since fifth grade, since she hung out with the "popular crowd that bullied everyone" and I was one of the "awkward misfits". So, I started looking for new friends. The first friend I met was Liz. She was pretty sweet. She was also best friends with a girl named Casey. I should have known there'd be miscommunication problems when all I could do whenever I saw Casey was first stare at the scars on her arms as she trembled before raising my eyes to meet her face.
Freshman year of high school came and went. For the most part it wasn't difficult.
Sophomore year proved to be the hardest, most difficult period of my life. First few weeks into the semester, Casey was doing poorly in school. No one was sure exactly why. Then...for several months starting in I think November, she never came to school. I called her house daily and her brother said she "wasn't home" but wouldn't give me any details. One afternoon, my guidance counselor called Liz and I to her office. She told us that Casey had attempted suicide and was admitted to McLean Hospital. (Yes, the very same McLean Hospital that's covered in Susanna Kaysen's book, Girl, Interrupted.)
The two of us called Casey daily and wrote letters and cards every week. She returned to school near the end of second semester. Everyone asked questions, but she demanded that Liz and I not tell anyone what happened. "She was sick" was what we had to say. I think that was the most difficult part. The fact that we couldn't tell anything. It's a lot of pressure to put on already stressed out minds. It was also the year I admitted I was bi to Liz and she freaked out and proceeded to tell all our mutual acquaintances. Never did really forgive her for that.
I'd be friends with Casey on LJ and another journal site...and I'd read about how she was starving herself and cutting. We got in constant fights that summer. She'd call to make up in the end and say she was sorry about worrying me and demand that I didn't try hurting myself when I told her she depressed me and made me want to pick up SI again.
The next year, Casey once again wasn't in school. Then Liz started getting scarce. She was overly anxious and her hair was falling out. I read on her journal that she'd starting picking at her face and scarring herself with pins since she didn't like the way she looked.
It wasn't until my junior year that I finally came to terms with the fact that these weren't good friends, though I continued trying to rebuild the friendships somehow. I was all too caught up in being their doormat shoulder-to-cry-on. That was also the year i contemplated suicide. I had a pair of scissors in my hands and spent one evening just staring at them. I held the cool metal to my wrists and just stared for the longest time. I really wanted all the pain to go away. Something made me afraid and I glanced around my room frantically. My eyes fell on the dry-erase-board I have on my wall with one quote in large capital print at the bottom "AN' IT HARM NONE DO WHAT THOU WILT." Being highly interested in pagan belief, I remembered that none included myself...and the people who would care about me, even if I couldn't see that.
I threw the scissors and picked up the phone and immediately called my friend Katie just to talk. Then went upstairs and proceeded to empty out the whole pantry and reorder it as I talked to her.
That night, I first noticed my Bakura muse become a LOT more active in my mind before I went to bed. "I know it hurts, but you can't do everything, my angel." I remember that phrase clearest in my mind of what he told me and then the feeling of being hugged. I think that's when the muse officially turned into a soulbond.
Later that year was when my third friend, Katie contemplated suicide. She was going through a rough year. Her boyfriend at the time dumped her and she was feeling down. She said some stuff on LJ about giving up...but I demanded she not do that because I cared. And...she thanked me for it the next day. I was grateful.
I always have a hard time opening up to people now. I've been used so many times by friends. Katie was the only friend who didn't use me in her suicidal episode.
The Alive Campaign is a grassroots effort to raise awareness about youth suicide and depression. They are a group of college students at Baylor University, Texas who plan on biking from Wacom, Texas to Anchorage, Alaska to prove to their friend that life is worth living and anything is possible as long as you don't put boundaries on yourself. This movement started as a bit of a joke and a FaceBook group dare and has since grown in numbers and support.
Triggering Post- SI and Suicide--also the story of how my Bakura muse developed into a soulbond
I hope I've gotten my facts straight on this--it's been a very long time and I don't want to go back and look through entries on this time in my life.
I've personally never committed suicide. However, I am an SI-er...a self-injurer. I didn't realize this until high-school though. I used to bruise and cut off my circulation with hair elastics starting in 6th grade. I was dealing with a lot of emotional pain, knowing that my best friend was transferring to a new school, and that I couldn't go with her. My parents couldn't afford the transfer fees and I got a really good scholarship at the school I was at since my family is fairly large and my mom worked there. Said best friend was also my first girlcrush, I learned a few years later. I stopped bruising for the most part my freshman year of high school. It might happen occasionally by accident, but I stopped doing it consistently. Instead, I started finding subconscious bruises and scars from leaning on the wire bindings of my notebooks and really odd length papercuts in odd areas from plastic expand-a-binders and notebooks.
However, suicide has affected me. I had an official fallout with one of my elementary school friends at the beginning of high-school. She was the only girl to come to this school with me. We'd been kinda drifting away since fifth grade, since she hung out with the "popular crowd that bullied everyone" and I was one of the "awkward misfits". So, I started looking for new friends. The first friend I met was Liz. She was pretty sweet. She was also best friends with a girl named Casey. I should have known there'd be miscommunication problems when all I could do whenever I saw Casey was first stare at the scars on her arms as she trembled before raising my eyes to meet her face.
Freshman year of high school came and went. For the most part it wasn't difficult.
Sophomore year proved to be the hardest, most difficult period of my life. First few weeks into the semester, Casey was doing poorly in school. No one was sure exactly why. Then...for several months starting in I think November, she never came to school. I called her house daily and her brother said she "wasn't home" but wouldn't give me any details. One afternoon, my guidance counselor called Liz and I to her office. She told us that Casey had attempted suicide and was admitted to McLean Hospital. (Yes, the very same McLean Hospital that's covered in Susanna Kaysen's book, Girl, Interrupted.)
The two of us called Casey daily and wrote letters and cards every week. She returned to school near the end of second semester. Everyone asked questions, but she demanded that Liz and I not tell anyone what happened. "She was sick" was what we had to say. I think that was the most difficult part. The fact that we couldn't tell anything. It's a lot of pressure to put on already stressed out minds. It was also the year I admitted I was bi to Liz and she freaked out and proceeded to tell all our mutual acquaintances. Never did really forgive her for that.
I'd be friends with Casey on LJ and another journal site...and I'd read about how she was starving herself and cutting. We got in constant fights that summer. She'd call to make up in the end and say she was sorry about worrying me and demand that I didn't try hurting myself when I told her she depressed me and made me want to pick up SI again.
The next year, Casey once again wasn't in school. Then Liz started getting scarce. She was overly anxious and her hair was falling out. I read on her journal that she'd starting picking at her face and scarring herself with pins since she didn't like the way she looked.
It wasn't until my junior year that I finally came to terms with the fact that these weren't good friends, though I continued trying to rebuild the friendships somehow. I was all too caught up in being their doormat shoulder-to-cry-on. That was also the year i contemplated suicide. I had a pair of scissors in my hands and spent one evening just staring at them. I held the cool metal to my wrists and just stared for the longest time. I really wanted all the pain to go away. Something made me afraid and I glanced around my room frantically. My eyes fell on the dry-erase-board I have on my wall with one quote in large capital print at the bottom "AN' IT HARM NONE DO WHAT THOU WILT." Being highly interested in pagan belief, I remembered that none included myself...and the people who would care about me, even if I couldn't see that.
I threw the scissors and picked up the phone and immediately called my friend Katie just to talk. Then went upstairs and proceeded to empty out the whole pantry and reorder it as I talked to her.
That night, I first noticed my Bakura muse become a LOT more active in my mind before I went to bed. "I know it hurts, but you can't do everything, my angel." I remember that phrase clearest in my mind of what he told me and then the feeling of being hugged. I think that's when the muse officially turned into a soulbond.
Later that year was when my third friend, Katie contemplated suicide. She was going through a rough year. Her boyfriend at the time dumped her and she was feeling down. She said some stuff on LJ about giving up...but I demanded she not do that because I cared. And...she thanked me for it the next day. I was grateful.
I always have a hard time opening up to people now. I've been used so many times by friends. Katie was the only friend who didn't use me in her suicidal episode.
