Brigit's Flame July Week 2: It Hurts When I Do This

[ladybrighid3333_archive]

[[This is...a bit of a sketch on a character for an original work. Inspired by Dixie Chicks - "Not Ready to Make Nice".]]

Week 2: It Hurts When I Do This


The grass princess, sighed, looking from her family shrine to her family house. Many years had passed since she had been home. Her own rage had made her leave. Now, she wasn't sure she could accept the inheritance her parents gave her--the whole plot of land with the garden, the shrine, and the elaborate house.

Her father's incessant need to push her beyond her boundaries had hurt. Her mother's need for her to be the perfect obedient daughter had hurt too. Her childhood had been stolen from her at seven when her elder brother fell ill and passed away. She'd been forced to play the role of both son and daughter. She chose to leave home at sixteen unable to resolve her own needs with those of her parents. That pain and bitter rage had kept her away for so many years, furious at her own family. Of course, it was much too late now, and she still wasn't ready to forgive and forget.

She sighed, walking around the grounds, examining the garden. It had been her favorite place to sit and have some peace as a child. Plants always listened, people didn't. The plants didn't care for perfection. They had simple needs--a little water, some kind words, equal parts sun and shade. She was surprised that someone had been taking care of them. A neighbor, according to the letter she'd received. The garden had been her realm.

She bent down, caressing the petals of a beautiful deep burgundy rose in a far corner of the garden plot. "I always liked you," she murmured aloud. The rose had always been so different from all the other flowers. Her parents liked reds and pinks, but she had always liked the dark roses hidden in the corner. It was so rich in reddish coloring that it sometimes looked almost purple. It was distracting from the colorscheme of pinks, whites and reds.

Her spirit calmed slightly and she sighed, standing up and walking toward the shrine. Once in the shrine, she lit the stick of incense from the container and stuck it in the appropriate dish, kneeling in front of the stone panels now engraved with her mother and father's names at the bottom.

Speaking aloud, she sighed, "Time hasn't healed everything. I'm still mad. I still can't forgive the fact that I was hurt. I'm sorry it's too late to fix it. But, I'll try to keep the house."

Comments

Edit

[triplescorpio.livejournal.com]

I'm belatedly filling in as your editor this week. There is a lot of pain in this piece. I'm wondering if it is related to a personal situation of yours? The woman's resentment about being left her family home as well as her attachment to it (symbolized by her reaction to the dark rose) comes through clearly. Your imagery and description work well here.

I would have liked to have seen more development, though. Some articulation of the conflict between herself and her parents, perhaps through dialogue; although prose would also work. In the last two lines the phrase "I'm still mad." is redundant and, I think, sounds kind of awkward. Read it without that sentence - the context is still clear.

I would like to see the struggles hinted at in this piece expanded upon in other writer. You've done a good job and should keep it up!

Re: Edit

[ladybrighid3333.livejournal.com]

thank you very much. And yeah...somewhat personal, though not autobiographical. ...a lot of the lack of development has to do with the way I'm writing the series this piece is coming from. It does a lot of flashback sequences. But I'll be writing more of it when summer ends.

Unofficial editor

[desert-rose.livejournal.com]

Hi there,
I'm not your official editor for last week, but I am the designated backup. :-)

Grammatical suggestions:

1. No comma needed after Princess in the first paragraph.
2. Where you say, "she chose to leave home at 16," could be the start of a new paragraph, as it's a new idea, and would also make your piece easier to read- long paragraphs can be hard on the eye, sometimes.
3. She chose to leave home at sixteen unable to resolve her own needs with those of her parents. It seems as though some words are missing in this sentence- between sixteen and enable. To improve the flow, try inserting "as she was."
4. Here, She sighed, walking around the grounds, examining the garden. You could include an emotive word such as wistfully, to highlight the emotion she is feeling. If you do this, you could change the sentence to read: "Sighing wistfully, she walked around the grounds, examining the garden.
5. Color scheme, not colorscheme.
6. In the final paragraph, I sense that there are stronger emotions than just mad that she could express. Think about what other stronger emotive words that could be used to convey how she is feeling.

I really like this piece, but finished reading feeling as though I wanted to know more. For example, what happened to her parents? And, I wanted to know more about the hurt her parents caused, and her childhood that resulted in her feeling mad and hurt.

You have developed a good plot and storyline, that I'd love to read more of if you felt like expanding it.

Great work!

Re: Unofficial editor

[ladybrighid3333.livejournal.com]

thank you~

As I said to the other editor, a lot of the reason it lacks the details has to do with the way the series this is a part of is written. the exposition is given through flashbacks or dream sequences.